Dear Freddy and Lucy,

The dishes that are kept on the floor are yours and contain your food. Any other dishes that you see are mine and contain MY food. Please note, leaving a dish momentarily unattended does not mean you can stake a claim for it to become your food and dish.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the end is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I weigh more than you and could cause you severe injury should I fall on you.

I do not plan on buying a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the very edge of the bed to ensure your comfort. You may not be aware of this, but dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to us stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. And I don’t find it funny.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine attendance is not required.

One last reminder, the proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dog’s butt or lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough!