The Utensil Epiphany
by: Nathanael Dungan (from December 2002)

I had just finished eating a pizza when my mind flashed back to something that had happened just moments before. It was something even farther back than when I had nearly choked on a monstrous sized piece of Canadian bacon. My mind flashed back to a moment just after I had burned my hand on the hot pizza pan. Just after I had dropped the pan onto the stove and screamed like a baby fresh from the womb. And just after I had awoken from unconsciousness. My brain brought back the memory of picking the pizza up off the floor and cutting it. Over and over in my mind I relived those few seconds I had spent cutting through the mountain of cheese and meat and the crisp golden brown crust below.

I had cut pizza before but never quite like this. This time was different. This time I had not used a knife like I normally would. For some reason when I opened the drawer full of utensils I had by-passed the knife altogether. I had pushed it aside and dug more deeply into the drawer. I wasn’t sure why but I felt compelled to find another means of cutting this perfectly round, perfectly cooked pizza. I worked my way past the assortment of spoons, forks, and knives until I finally saw it. Something I had purchased at the dollar store but never used. The pizza cutter!

I pulled the pizza cutter out of the drawer and held it at arms length in my hand. The light sparkled on the circular metal end. I held the cutter by the hard, black plastic handle and felt its power. With the index finger and thumb of my other hand I spun the circular cutting blade. And then I began to cut.

The pizza did not stand a chance against this powerful utensil of slicing destruction. The crust broke beneath it as easily as a window dealt a blow from a baseball. In a matter of moments the pizza was perfectly sliced, along with one of my fingers.

I was overcome with emotion, and not because my finger was split wide open. I was filled with a variety of emotions because of this utensil – this pizza cutter. I experienced great sadness as I realized how many times I had ignored this utensil. I experienced great anger knowing that I was capable of such injustice. This pizza cutter is one of the most powerful utensils aside from the butchers knife, yet it is often overlooked. Even I had been guilty of neglecting it. How many times had I chosen to use a knife to cut my pizza instead of the pizza cutter? As I thought of that I was overtaken by tears of guilt and sorrow. Soon these tears were replaced by great drops of blood. I had cut myself again as I tried to wipe away the tears while still holding the pizza cutter.

I vowed then and there that I would be more careful with the pizza cutter. I was losing blood fast. I also vowed to always consider the feelings of the utensils before I chose which to use for a task. If a utensil has a specific use I vowed to always use it for that task. From that moment on I would always cut pizza with a pizza cutter. I would always beat eggs with an egg beater. I would always butter my toast with a butter knife.

Suddenly I had an epiphany. If I had cut a pizza with a knife instead of a pizza cutter for so many years, couldn’t I use the pizza cutter for tasks other than cutting pizzas? I decided that I was going to search for new ways to use utensils which rarely get used. After years of neglect I owed it to them. As I stirred my iced tea with a spatula I was filled with great excitement. The possibilities were endless!

As quickly as the excitement came, it ended. It was replaced instead by anger. I realized that people all over the world were overlooking these “lesser utensils”. Sure spoons, forks, and knives are used, but how many other utensils are used on a regular basis?! In this day and age when people call for acceptance and equality we owe the same to utensils. All utensils are created equal! The time of some utensils being forced to sit in the bottom of the drawer is finished!

It became my mission, right then and there, to rid the world of the intolerance shown to these less used utensils. I would soon begin writing my incredible story to share with a utensil insensitive world. But first I would eat my pizza and then use a pasta server’s plastic spikes to scoop some ice cream into a bowl and eat it with an ice cream scoop.