Instructions for hanging a tire swing
For Grant’s third birthday we decided to get him a tire swing for the back yard. We decided to get him a tire swing that was a little out of the ordinary so we bought a tire swing from Frontier Swings LLC.
We are planning on giving Grant his gifts on Friday, his actual birthday, since I have taken a vacation day from work. I realized that if the chain to hang the tire swing was not in place prior to Friday we wouldn’t be able to give him his tire swing right away, so I decided to hang the chain from the tree today while Grant was napping and Carol was away at work.
What I thought would be a relatively quick job turned out to be a little more complicated than anticipated. Here is a numbered list of the steps involved in hanging a tire swing based on my experience that you may find helpful should you ever decide to purchase a tire swing for your own children:
1. Get the step ladder out of the garage and set it up under the tree to be used for the tire swing.
2. Create a small loop in the chain using one of the quick links.
3. Climb the step ladder with the majority of the chain in one hand and the end of the chain in the other.
4. Lean against the tree and attempt to throw the heavy chain over the branch to be used for the tire swing.
5. After a failed attempt, say a few adult words, then gather the chain into the throwing hand and attempt a second time.
6. After second failed attempt, say a few adult words, then gather chain into the throwing hand and attempt a third time.
7. After third failed attempt, say a few adult words, then gather the chain into the throwing hand, climb to the very top of the step ladder and bear hug the tree with the non-throwing arm. Attempt to throw the chain over the branch a fourth time.
8. After successfully getting the chain over the appropriate branch, celebrate like you have just won the Superbowl.
9. Stop celebrating when you realize that you have a metal splinter in your finger which needs to be removed.
10. Remove metal splinter from finger.
11. Run the end of the chain through the loop created in step 2 creating a lasso-like structure out of the chain.
12. Tighten the chain around the tree branch by pulling on the end of the chain opposite of the lasso.
13. Realize that tightening the lasso around the base of the branch was a mistake because the chain has become immobile and out of reach.
14. Loosen the lasso end of the chain with gentle shaking so that the lasso is approximately 1 foot in diameter.
15. Let go of the chain while you step back to plan your next move, but then realize that the weight of the chain has caused the lasso to tighten against the branch again.
16. Loosen the lasso end of the chain so that the lasso is approximately 1 foot in diameter.
17. Do not let go of the chain while you plan your next move.
18. While holding the chain attempt to use a motion similar to shaking out a rug to get the chain to quickly slide up the branch to the desired location on the branch.
19. Mumble an adult word or two and repeat step 18 three to four more times, growing more irritated and vocalizing new combinations of adult words as each attempt results in the chain sliding back down against the trunk of the tree.
20. Finally come to terms with the fact that this method is NOT going to work.
21. Return to the garage and get the extension ladder out and set it against the tree to be used for the tire swing.
22. Realize that with the extension ladder you could have reached the branch in question and avoided steps 4-7.
23. Begin a sentence with the words “you’re a” and add a few adult words before ending with the word “idiot!”.
24. Realize that there was no way that you’d ever have gotten the chain positioned correctly because there are multiple smaller branches between the trunk of the tree and the location on the large branch where you want to get the chain.
25. Get the extendable tree trimming saw out of the garage and place it, fully extended, on the ground under the tree.
26. Spend approximately 9 minutes walking around and staring at the branch to be used for hanging the swing.
27. Trip twice on the fully extended tree trimming saw, but in the process locate all small branches which need to be removed in order to slide the chain into place.
28. Alternatively use the step ladder and the extension ladder to gain different heights and angles to reach all troublesome branches and remove them with the full extended tree trimming saw.
29. Stop occasionally during the removal of small branches to allow feeling to return to the arms and shoulders.
30. Upon successful removal of all small branches hindering your placement of the chain celebrate like you have just won the lottery.
31. Stop celebrating when you realize that you still don’t know how you are actually going to get the lasso of chain to the appropriate location on the branch.
32. Spend approximately 6 minutes staring at the beautifully cleared off branch until a new plan comes to mind.
33. Climb the extension ladder which is still safely leaning against the tree and stick the very end of the tree trimming saw blade into one of the links of the chain on the lasso end, after loosening the lasso to a diameter of approximately six inches to allow it to move freely over the branch.
34. Once the blade is tightly jammed into the link of the chain use swooping motions to move the lasso end of the chain further and further up the branch.
35. Stop occasionally during placement of the chain to allow feeling to return to the arms and shoulders.
36. Upon successful placement of the lasso loop of the chain in a position where the chain should not be able to slide back down the branch, celebrate like you have just won American Idol.
37. Attempt to disconnect the blade of the fully extended tree trimming saw from the link in the chain with a quick flick of the wrists.
38. Realize that the blade is REALLY jammed in there.
39. Leave the tree trimming saw hanging from the chain while you climb down the extension ladder and climb up the step ladder for a “better angle”.
40. Attempt, again, to remove the blade of the fully extended tree trimming saw from the link in the chain with a quick flick of the wrists.
41. Stop, say a few adult words, and then attempt to remove the blade again using a bit more intensity in the shaking motion.
42. Climb down the step ladder and return to the extension ladder and attempt the removal of the blade again with increasing intensity and more creative adult word combinations.
43. Climb down the extension ladder and return to the step ladder and attempt the removal of the blade again, this time shaking with the intensity of a madman and growling like a wildcat that was shot with a tazer.
44. Upon successful removal of the blade from the link in the chain, celebrate like you’ve just been awarded a large cash bonus by your employer.
45. Stop celebration to check for injuries. After confirming that no major injuries have occurred, continue celebration.
46. Test the strength of the tree branch by grabbing a hold of the chain and pulling yourself up off the ground.
47. When you realize that you likely just pulled a muscle, let go of the chain.
48. Go to the garage and bring the tire swing to the newly placed chain.
49. Climb the step ladder and attach the tire swing to the chain using a quick link.
50. Step back and admire your handiwork. Take a photograph or two so you can show others the result of your hard work.
51. Remove the tire swing from the chain because you are not yet ready to give it your child because it is not yet their birthday.
52. Put away the ladders, the extendable tree trimming saw and the tools that you had to go and get from the garage mid-way through trimming small branches because you broke the extendable tree trimmer saw.
53. Go inside and take a large quantity of pain killers in preparation of the muscle soreness that are definitely going to feel in several hours.
54. Just for fun, check the website of the company which made the tire swing to see if they had any advice for getting a chain onto a branch that was out of reach even with an extension ladder.
55. Find the page entitled “Tire Swing Hanging Tips” and read “If your selected tree branch is too high off the ground to safely reach with a ladder…tie an object such as a heavy stick around a rope. Throw the rope and stick over the tree branch so it hangs down and you can reach it by ladder or with a rake. Next, tie the end of the chain to the rope and pull the rope up and over so the chain hangs down evenly over the tree branch. Connect a quick link through the last link of one chain end, and then also connect the quick link around the entire piece of the other chain end. Now, when you pull on the chain end, the quick link will travel up the chain until it cinches securely around the branch.”
56. Go to the garage to confirm that no light-weight rope of adequate length was available which would have made the easy procedure outlined on the company’s website a viable option.
57. Discover that you DID own a long light-weight rope.
58. Realize that you could have avoided steps 2-44 had you checked the manufacturer’s website before starting the job.
59. Begin a sentence with the words “you’re a” and add a few adult words before ending with the word “idiot!”
Figure 1: Photograph of tire swing taken in step 50 above.
Really great story. Does it make me a bad father to not have thought of any of Christine's concerns?
Well done on many accounts.
You are correct, Carol did not know I was working on this project without her.
I DID have my cell phone in my pocket the whole time in case of broken bones.
Not sure how long Grant actually slept, but he was in his bed for 2.5 hours that day.
Okay, beautiful finished project. But a couple of questions: How LONG was Grant asleep? Did you have your cell phone with you at all times? I ask this because it seems that this project–and you doing it alone–could have required an ambulance. Throwing a chain, alternating between ladders, messing with a trimmer…It's truly a wonder you only ended up with a splinter and sore muscles. And finally–and I'm just guessing here–Carol didn't know you were going to do this, did she?